They say that things happen in the blink of an eye. They’re not wrong. But to capture those moments we never get to experience twice is the important part of living in a world that only goes faster, and more forward.
For the sake of cliche, I’d have to say that my 2015 flashed before my very eyes. I felt like I was living in a dream, suspended in-between a reality I saw fit for me, and reality as it were. I honestly, self-confidently thought that I could juggle two pillars of life as if I could carry them effortlessly on my shoulders. I could not have been more wrong in my life.
“The devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you’ve ever wished for.”
We never really see the danger of our decisions until it starts gnawing at us from the inside out. We think that if nothing is going wrong, or if we aren’t hurting anyone with our decisions, then it’s alright.
You may think you aren’t hurting anyone else, but in the long run it will.
I’m an impulsive person, which means I live in the moment, and although I do think about the future, I’d rather enjoy today and go all out, because there won’t be another opportunity like it.
2015 threw a curveball at me that I never saw coming. I had my mind set on every single day, waking up with the assurance that things would stay the same, that the people I had said good night to would be there in the morning. Life hit me in the face so hard, saying “au contraire.”
The biggest wake-up call I had this year was that I had to lose important people in order for me to see how much my pride had swallowed me, instead of the other way around. I had been so caught up in myself, in the pleasures of an imagined reality I saw fit only for me, that I didn’t notice I was giving up so many things:
I ignored all the other people also equally important – my friends, family, accountability group, acquaintances – all of whom I would end up running to when my spirit crashed and swallowed the consequences of my actions. I felt so ashamed at first, because I did not like the feeling of running to people only when I needed something. But I was not about to let my pride eat me along with my panic and anxiety.
I exhausted all my energy on a specific person, trusting them wholly because their words seemed so true.
I had to do things and lose time, I lied, and I had to hide behind a mask in order for me to do all of these things.
It is only half-fulfilling when you know you’re doing something wrong to make something seem right.
So no matter how much fun I was having personally, I was shutting out the entire universe. I was pushing away all the other opportunities I had. You know why I can say all of these things? Because the moment it all ended, the floodgates of travel, of friendship, of happiness, and opportunity started to open for me. It was the most overwhelming experience ever.
I received so many blessings: in the material, in the physical, in the spiritual, after my chaotic release. And although it hurts a lot to lose someone of so much importance to you, I have learned that “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”
Everything pointed to “New Beginnings” for me, and I’m slowly figuring out where my experiences fit in, and where I’m supposed to go next. I’m waking up to seeing all the more important people, places, and things that were just right there but I just couldn’t see them.
I’ve had the most rattling wake-up call ever, and even though I’m still recovering from the shock, I know there’s a better day ahead of me, waiting for me to get up and get going.
2016, you will be better for me, and I will be better for you.