“Through forgotten convictions
I’m losing the sound of Your voice
I’ve been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I’ve been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You”
I don’t know how I managed to lose my way when I started out so strong this year. My only consolation for this is that there are bigger obstacles and newer challenges because I am leveling up. But it doesn’t negate the fact that I have been distracted and things have become superficial and ultimately routine. So many instances have I been patching it all up with futile efforts and seemingly helpful self-encouragement, but all of these things did not provide a lasting relief. I know and acknowledge the situation I have been in, and all I desire is to go back to Your heart.
“I’ve lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You”
Whenever I look back at the milestones and memorable “first-time-for-everything” moments in my faith journey, I cannot help but to long for it, and it puzzles me at how growing up would actually change these things. I still want the same uplifting arms of Love, the same Holy Presence, the same soft-spoken Voice, and the same assurance of Forgiveness. Yet, the dragons seem bigger now than they were before. I shouldn’t be afraid of them, but they have been getting the upper hand. I will not let it remain this way because I know that there is nothing more beautiful than to sit at His feet and listen to Him.
“Like a child I’ll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I’m longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?”
I only long to be that little child in continuous awe and wonder of all You do in my life, full of excitement at the mention of Your name, without any reservations in believing the miracles You can do. You are silent because I am being tested, but I know You are here because I am never in need. You provide and You give freely, and I experience this everyday. Let me find You again completely for I know I will find rest and restoration in Your presence. I look forward to when You tell me that I have passed. This is what I aim for.