I bet my friends would smack me for basking in nostalgia. Really, this might not be a healthy of a habit, but I cannot help it. It doesn’t happen every day, though. On occasions such as today – it is my childhood friend’s birthday (January 18th), and the moment I remembered, a wave of the past flooded my mind. I find it inevitable, and personally, uncontrollable for me to think about these things. I don’t mean to dwell upon them, but when I do, it makes me very emotional – given the fact that I am already pretty emotional to begin with, so you could tell how exponential it gets when I get hit by the nostalgia brick.
More nostalgia after the cut
Again, from my first post on nostalgia, I do not have any regrets whatsoever in losing myself in this train of thought that would possibly go on and on, if not for the reality of things. I find it both a respite, and a burden. Oftentimes it’s both, but tonight is one of the nights that it is the latter. Simply because the occasion arises, and I am just thinking about wanting to celebrate with my best friend and her family on her birthday, but that’s not going to happen. Reality is a good tap on the shoulder, and tonight, he’s pretty gentle with me, knowing the situation.
Come on, there’s always next year, perhaps? You see how her circle of friends has grown, and I’m sure she’s got her own plans. Leave it to spontaneity to plan it all out.
Thank you, Reality, for the reassurance. Thank you for being courteously romanticized. I know it isn’t going to happen any time soon, and the odds are nil to a million, perhaps, but just “maybe.” Ah, that word is such a foe.
So here I am, left with well-wishes and generic greetings for the protocol of a birthday. Greeting would also subtly say, “I still exist, and I’m still your friend, so I hope you acknowledge and appreciate the greeting even if I’m practically a thousand miles in distance from you.”
I hope that didn’t sound bitter. I’m not in denial, I’m just being a tad selfish. I’ve spent the past few years celebrating birthdays without my childhood best friends. Let me tell you, I have spend those birthdays with people amazing and precious to me, and I don’t mean to degrade or offend. It’s just that, there’s an irreplaceable feeling of celebrating with friends you’ve grown up with, and want to grow up with. Every birthday was a blessing, with or without them, I must tell you though. Every year was a splendid surprise.
So now, I’ve put on Dashboard Confessional’s Stolen in the background as I write. I love my friends, I really do, and as much as this song is probably for lovers abound, this song means a lot because it’s another bit of nostalgia to me. It’s another time machine. Doesn’t make me feel happier, but it does calm me down, nonetheless.
I find it bewildering that I can rant on and on about nostalgic moments in my life. I could pen it down and not run out of things to say, I’m sure. But before this post goes astray, I’d like to (hopefully) find closure with this by saying, every bit of memory with the people I spend minutes of a day reminiscing about are very much important to me, and I’d like to condition myself to the reality of not being able to bring things back the way they were five or ten years ago. That is a snowflake – a unique bit of my life, as it is my friends’ lives. I throw my hands up in surrender, and give it all to the Lord, and His timing – in which case I’d like to call spontaneity, to surprise me with an appointment with these people He knows I love and care about, and miss dearly.