Verbally Disabled and Awkwardly Appreciative

Believe me when I say as outgoing and sociable as I look, I am awkward when it comes to talking.

I disdain the fact that I am verbally disabled. How so? I cannot express easily the simplest of “Thank Yous” to someone without practicing it in my head five to ten minutes prior to the execution. It shouldn’t be a big deal to most people, but it’s something that gives me a hard time.

You would think that I would easily say what I want in conversations. Yes, that is true, but most often it is only during light conversations and small talk. The awkward feeling creeps up on me whenever I am being done a generous act. It’s a difficult feeling for me to grasp the fact that I am being treated, or being done a favor. I become uneasy, because I am used to doing the opposite. I feel more comfortable and quite fulfilled when I treat people – to a meal, do part of their work for them, do them favors, make them smile – anything to take the burden off of their shoulders. I find it a relief and a de-stresser to do such things.

But alas, the world is fair, and I am glad that despite my waterloo that is of verbal expression of appreciation, I am able to write it all down instead. I love the cascade of words as I type without end. I adore the fact that I gush out anything from mundane to radical, and that it makes sense (most of the time.)

All I’m hoping for is that people do not misunderstand when I cannot say “thank you” immediately. It is because I am trying to formulate my thoughts and compose myself in a way that will show that I am most thankful. I say thank you but it is never enough, which is why the composition follows. It is because I want to fully express how grateful I am, and that no effort is wasted on me.

For the lack of verbal communication, I make up with a lot of written and physical expression. Alongside writing a novel of a thank you letter, I also am visually expressive — I flash bright grins, I am jumpy, I hug and I serve. I do believe this is where the love language comes in? But that’s a whole different story. I just wanted to explain how I am in situations that automatically expects a protocol of appreciation – not out of duty, but of genuine expression.

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A/N: It’s been a while since I spilled out raw thoughts on the spot. It need to sharpen up my writing more.

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